I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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