I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
