my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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