the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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