You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
