theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
