This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
