Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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