I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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