By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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