She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
