I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
