I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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