I want to have your abortion
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
