this beer tastes like vomit already
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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