sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
