The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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