I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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