after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
