took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
