Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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