She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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