I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
