i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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