He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
