nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
