So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
