I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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