Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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