The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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