brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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