I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
