On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
