im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
