I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she peed on how many people?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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