I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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