I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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