mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
