she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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