I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
