Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
