Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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