I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
