so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
