i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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