i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
