I want to walk on stilts...naked
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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