literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
