John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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