Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Someone came in the potted fern
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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