Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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