barbara walters just said penis...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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