I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
