last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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