I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My balls are so social today.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
