i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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