Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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